


Fall For You

by SporadicReader



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angel Crowley (Good Omens), Angst, Crowley Hates Gabriel (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley has Trauma from the Fall (Good Omens), Dark, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, Fallen Angel Crowley (Good Omens), Female Aziraphale (Good Omens), Female Crowley (Good Omens), Ineffable Wives (Good Omens), Ineffable Wives | Female Aziraphale/Female Crowley (Good Omens), Loss, Lost Love, Memory Loss, Possessive Behavior, Protective Crowley (Good Omens), Rape/Non-con Elements, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25108633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SporadicReader/pseuds/SporadicReader
Summary: Gabriel forces Crowley to break up with Azirapahle by threaten to ensure that her angel would Fall if she wouldn’t. Because Crowley is neither capable of seeing her love Fall nor breaking her heart, she chooses to Fall, which causes Aziraphale to forget her and their memories. How long will it take until they meet again? And will Crowley be capable of picking up the broken pieces and finding out Gabriel‘s motives?
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 10





	1. Decision

Crowley looks down on earth and tries to ignore all the thoughts that are spinning in her head since a few hours. Will it hurt? Will her character change completely like some angels are convinced of? Is she the first angel that choose to Fall? Will she… ever meet Aziraphale again? The last thought definitely hurts the most.  
She would do anything to ensure that her love is safe: she would become a demon, she would endure any pain and she would even face hellfire. But she can’t stand the thought that she and Aziraphale would live in two completely different worlds and that her love would… forget her. Once, Gabriel explained that fact to her like it‘s the simplest thing in universe: if an angel Falls, the memories of the mate will also fade to prevent a relationship between a demon and an angel. Moreover, the other angels are not allowed to speak about the Fallen angel in the present of their mate. And Crowley doesn’t even know if she will lose her memories too.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale‘s voice interrupts Crowley‘s thoughts immediately and the redhead can’t stop herself from smiling at her soulmate, even though she feels like her heart is going to break into thousand of pieces. "Uhm… hey, angel," she says and can’t prevent her voice to tremble. _I‘ll make a fantastic demon,_ she thinks. _Can’t even hide my feelings when it matters_.  
Of course, Aziraphale notices that something wasn’t alright and she looks at her with concerned eyes. "Are you alright, my dear?", she asks and Crowley has great trouble to hide a shiver. "Yeah, I‘m fine. Absolutely tickety-boo."  
Aziraphale looks at her a moment longer and than decides to take a look at earth as well. "It’s beautiful, eh?," she whispers and moves closer to Crowley. The redhead barley nods and the near of her soulmate painfully reminds her of the conversation she had with Gabriel earlier.

_"Crowley? I’m sorry to interrupt your… angelic duties, but we need to talk," Gabriel says, and Crowley tries her best to overhear the mock in his voice. She never really liked the archangel, but she was always capable of hiding her true feelings, and a conversation with him was the last thing the redhead wants right now. "Gabriel," she responds polite. "How can I help you?" The archangel looks at her for a moment and says with a firm voice: "I am going to come straight to the point. I want to talk to you about your relationship with Aziraphale."  
_ _Crowley blinks a few times, wondering if she understood the words of the archangel properly. Her relationship with Azirapahle? Why is the archangel interested in something like that?  
"My… my relationship with Azirapahle?" she stammers. "Exactly. You have to end it," the archangel answers without turning a hair. Crowley is sure this must be part of a stupid joke… Gabriel probably only tries out the human humor. He can’t be serious. He can’t. They haven’t broke any rules and didn’t do anything wrong. Crowley feels how the anger builds inside of her but she does her best to control it. Anger doesn’t solve anything, but it can destroy everything.  
"Gabriel," she begins, "if this is any kind of a joke, I assure you that…"  
_ _"It’s not," he interrupts. "You have to end your relationship with Azirapahle. I won’t repeat myself a third time."  
Crowley never realized how much anger she has been storing inside until she hears these words. Who does this archangel think he is?! "You have no right to force me to do this! You didn’t even speak about an explantation why I…"  
_ _Out of patience, Gabriel interrupts her again. "I am the archangel Gabriel; I don’t have to explain my orders, especially not to you!" Crowley holds Gabriel‘s gaze and responds: "And what do you do if I refuse to break up with Aziraphale?"  
Gabriel chuckles what causes Crowley‘s anger to inflame even more. "Well, in that case, sunshine, I will ensure that your pretty soulmate will Fall."  
Suddenly, the redhead gets to the point of shock and frustration that she just becomes silent and numb. He would make Aziraphale… Fall if Crowley refuses to do what he wants. But, at the same time, she knows exactly that she’s also not capable of breaking the blonde‘s heart. So, she makes the only decision that would ensure not to break Aziraphale.  
"Well, if only one of us will make it out as an angel if I would refuse to break up with him, than I can only say: congratulations. I would never break the heart of the one I love the most, but you’ll see an angel Fall. I’ll choose to Fall, which makes Aziraphale forget me and our memories."  
Gabriel blinks at her for a moment and suddenly grabs her chin to have a closer look to her yellow eyes. "I’ve always seen this fire in your eyes; fire I’ve only seen in demon eyes before. I’ve always wondered why you never Fell before, _angel," _he says with a grin. Crowley struggles to escape his grip and looks away from him. "Let me tell you one thing,_ archangel _. You’re gonna regret that."  
She merely hears an amused chuckle as she goes to say goodbye to her soulmate._

  
Crowley continues to look at earth and tries to get rid of these thoughts at the same time. She dares to look over to Aziraphale who has just closed her eyes to enjoy the calm atmosphere. She looks so happy… so peaceful. Crowley still can’t believe that she has to leave the love of her life, and suddenly recognizes that sometimes, your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. She has to leave her angel. To protect her and her future.  
She wants to say something, wants Aziraphale to know how much she loves her and that she will never stop loving her, but her soulmate quickly moves and is about to leave. "Shall we have dinner tonight, darling? At the Ritz?" she asks and it immediately breaks Crowley‘s heart because she knows that they’ll never have dinner together again.  
"Of course, angel," she says as Aziraphale already walks away. "I‘m looking forward to it. Love you, darling."  
Crowley wants to say something but was too afraid that she would burst into tears if she looks into the angel‘s face for the last time. _I’m such a coward_ , she curses herself and is already thinking about the easiest way how to Fall.   
  


**TBC**


	2. The Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this wasn’t supposed to be that depressive but… yeah. I blame 3am for this. Hahah.  
> Anyway, enjoy! :)  
> -SporadicReader

Crowley is staring at her own reflection and sees how red her eyes turned because of all the crying.  
  


Right after Aziraphale left, she collapsed on the floor and screamed out all of her pain. It wasn’t the normal pain that you have to deal with sometimes, it was that kind of pain so great that everything physically hurts. She cried endlessly and it felt like something inside of her isn’t just breaking but also dying because she thought about her future mercilessly, over and over again - still too afraid to say the words out loud - until she’s finally capable of admiting it: she has to leave Aziraphale. She has to leave the love of her life and there‘s nothing she can do against it.

She could still remember the first day they met, but she never thought that Aziraphale would be that important to her. It was that kind of love that came without any warning and the blonde angel had Crowley’s heart before she was capable of saying no. It was not love at first sight exactly, but… familiarity. A sense of belonging to a place she never knew she wanted, but somehow always needed.

Aziraphale is the angel that was her home, the owner of her heart and her soulmate. She always told the redhead that soulmates are those who enter your life, fix it when it’s broken and fill it when it’s empty - they are rare because they only happen once. And Crowley knows exactly that a loss would leave a nasty scar that would never really heal because she loves her angel too much - and will always love her. 

Crowley will always love Aziraphale because she always made her feel that she’s worth something.  
She will always love her because she always made her smile when she had no reason to or almost forgotten how.

She will always love her because her angelic heart and soul were the most beautiful things she was allowed to see in her entire existence. She will always love her and everything little detail about her - the clumsy and beautiful angel that gave her a home.

And now she’s going to lose it forever.

After feeling completely numb, she stand up and walks a few hours, until she finally found a place where she was alone. She was more than determined to ensure that not a single angel would see her Fall, because she was convinced that it would be the most vulnerable moment she ever has to deal with. The thought that someone like Gabriel would watch the process made it even worse.   
  


And now Crowley stands alone and turns away from the water, not capable of seeing her face anymore… she just can’t stand it. _I didn’t even told her that I love her,_ she thinks _. I deserve all of this pain and every pain that is going to come._

But even though she didn’t say the words that are on her mind to Aziraphale, she can still say it loud. It’s the least she can do.

"Aziraphale," Crowley whispers. "You have no idea how sorry I am to leave you but it’s the only way to keep you safe. Soon, I won’t… be at and _on_ your side anymore but I promise you that I’ll always save your space in my heart - maybe we’ll ever… gain a chance to meet again."

Crowley notices that tears begin to stream down her face and hitting the floor as she recognizes how foolish this thought is. She wipes away the tears and continues to say all the things she wanted to say to her love so badly.

"Because I won’t be at your side anymore… because I won’t be a part of your life anymore, I can’t promise you that dark clouds will never hover over your life or that the future will bring you all the happiness you deserve so much. I can’t promise you that every day will be perfect or that life will… be easy."

As her voice begins to tremble, Crowley takes a deep breath before speaking again.

"But I can promise you my loyalty, my respect and my endless love for eternity. I can promise you that you’ll be always a part of my heart - the most important one. And I can promise you that I would always sacrifice my life to protect you."

Now, she is kneeling on the floor, but not because the pain dragged her down… but for her last prayer as an angel: "Whatever you’ll do in the future, angel, I hope life will treat you well. And until we meet again… take care."

As Crowley rises, she recognizes that her tears are not capable of dropping anymore and that she feels nothing. It’s like the world… her life has just ended. She doesn’t cry. She doesn’t hear. She doesn’t scream. Within a second, she knows that her heart died.

 _Well, I think it’s time to leave this stupid place, eh_?, she thinks. Crowley tries to remember about the stories how the most angel Fell. She knows that some of them broke the most important rules and that others betrayed their friends and Heaven. Moreover, some of them even cursed god. But Crowley was sure that asking questions would be enough too - it was something she tried to avoid her whole existence.

So, she looks up and speaks with a voice that lost all gentleness - completely dominated by sorrow, anger and despair. 

"I‘m pretty sure nobody gives a fuck what I’m saying but because I want to leave this place as fast as possible: why?! Why did Gabriel force me to beak up with Azirapahle?! Why would he makes her Fall if I wouldn’t end our relationship?! Angels are supposed to love, eh?! So, for Satan’s sake, why does another goddamn angel forces me to leave the love of my life?! Why?! Is it all part of the fucking great plan… to destroy what means to be together?! _Answer me!"_

Crowley immediately recognizes that she just reached the darkest and deepest parts of her soul. She waits a moment and when nothing happens, she wants to continue cursing every goddamn thing. 

_I knew it can’t be this easy_ , she thinks. Before Crowley is capable of opening her mouth again, she feels a horrible pain deep inside of her chest and her whole skin feels like it is on fire. She doesn’t even have the strength to scream anymore, before she recognizes that she was Falling and losing consciousness.

** TBC **


	3. Dark Wings

Crowley sits in a bar and stares into a void while sipping on a glass of whisky. As an angel, she merely tried out whine a few times, but whisky has this special effect of letting her forget the past few months for a moment. She knew that Falling would break something deep inside of her, but she didn’t know that it would destroy her so much that picking up the pieceswould become such an exhausting process of fixing herself. She is just… so fucking tired of anything. 

Even though Crowley has only a vague memory of what happened after the Fall, it‘s still enough to ensure that she can’t remember what it’s like to feel not broken. 

After questioning so many things in Heaven, she only remembers how she felt a terrible pain and the sudden loss of consciousness. As she woke up, she immediately recognizes that she was in Hell and that the pain she felt before was nothing than a small twinge compared to the pain she felt right after the Fall. Crowley’s wings turned black and after she tried to cover herself with her dark feathers, she noticed that her wings were broken like so many other things. But she was capable of stoping her crying to ensure that no demon would see that she was so vulnerable in this moment. She knew exactly that showing a sign of weakness would make everything worse. So, Crowley ignored every pain that wanted to drag her down and faced the other demons. 

And know she sits in a human bar, dressed in a short black dress, wearing black sunglasses and can’t recognize herself anymore. She changed. She has become a totally stranger to herself and misses her old life - missing Aziraphale. A dark part of her is saying that, sometimes, it’s better to be alone… nobody can hurt you. Her heart could never accept this though. But right know, she has to ignore her broken heart. She wasn’t alone. 

"You know we finished to corrupt the politician, eh? We can go back to Hell or… whatever. And drinking whisky isn’t a help for everything." Crowley feels how the anger inflames inside of her as Hastur takes the free seat right next to her. Hell often send both of them to earth to get some demonic jobs done - and Crowley hates every minute of it. Hastur never is as impersonal as the rest of the demons and he always asks her questions about her Fall or her life as an angel.

"Well, it’s a better company than you are, at least. And I like the taste," Crowley murmurs. She hears him chuckle and moving closer to her own seat. 

"You know, mortals always say that the only people who are up at 3am are in love, lonely or drunk. So, which one can you relate to, my dear?" Hastur asks her. 

Crowley rolls her eyes before answering: "All three, obviously. But I’m fine."

She has absolutely no idea whether this lie sounds convincing; she just wants him to leave her alone. 

"All three?" he wonders. "Well, that’s hard. But I’m convinced you’re way too good at pretending to be fine. I’m pretty sure the Fall left a way deeper scar inside your soul than you’re admitting - and I think there’s more behind it."

Crowley looks right into his face and only hopes that her eyes are showing no emotion. The way Hastur speaks makes her skin crawl and she knows that he doesn’t believe her story that she just Felt because of asking questions. That part is just _why_ she Felt, but she never mentioned that she _chose_ to Fall. 

"I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just wanted a… change. That’s all," Crowley says and takes a sip of her whisky. She knows that she’s half-drunk and recognizes that he’s taken advantage of the situation to get information about her. 

"Oh, for sure," he says. "I often heard a broken heart is what makes people want to change their life."

Crowley notices how her hands begin shaking and she grabs her glass harder to hide it. 

"Was he an archangel?" Hastur continues mercilessly. "Did he told you that he loves you and left you behind? Did you ask for the _reason_ and cursed everything in Heaven?"

Without wanting to, Crowley remembers her last day in Heaven. Indeed, she asked for the reason, but the reason why she has to leave Aziraphale. _Azirapahle_. Is she okay? What is she doing right know? Memories of her flash quickly and it is almost too much for Crowley to handle. She can’t stop the tears from streaming down her face. 

Of course, Hastur notices them immediately and looks at her with a grin. 

"Oh, I‘m so sorry, my dear. Did I hit a sensitive spot?"

Crowley wants nothing more than to scream out the truth but she also knows that she couldn’t do that without putting Aziraphale into danger. So, she swallows her anger and answers: "You have no idea. You have no fucking idea. I would never fall in love with an archangel. _Never_." 

This was the first truth this night. She and an archangel… an archangel is responsible that she had to leave her love behind. And he would pay for that. 

"But someone or… something did hurt you. It ripped your heart and your soul into pieces and it still hurts so much that you can finally say 'I‘m used to it', eh? You know, I could let you forget all this pain, beautiful."

In this moment, Crowley notices how he puts a hand on her thigh and she immediately rises from her seat. 

"You will never lay your hands on me again or you’re gonna regret it," she hisses. Crowley quickly grabs her jacket without waiting for his reaction and leaves the bar. Outside, she’s almost running to her flat and wants nothing more than to crawl into her bed. She feels like sleep is her only relief. When she’s sleeping, she’s not sad, she’s not lonely and she’s not broken. She‘s nothing and kind of safe. Even though, she can’t escape the feeling that she has to deal with more trouble coming from Hastur in near future.

** TBC **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and please review. :)  
> -SporadicReader


	4. Encounter

The next morning, alone in her apartment, Crowley decides to take a shower to help her to forget what happened in the bar. She is aware of the fact that she can’t compare demons to angels but she has never been touched by anyone else in Heaven, except of Aziraphale. The thought of Hastur‘s hand on her thigh still makes her skin crawl. 

If she would still be with Aziraphale, she probably wouldn’t feel that vulnerable but without her, she feels like every little problem would destroy her process of fixing and she has to pick up all the broken pieces again. 

Aziraphale would search healing words and plant them right into the deep wounds of her heart and soul. 

"When are you going to admit that you’re on your own, you stupid demon?" Crowley curses herself. "She’s gone. She can’t even remember and now it’s just you."

She was never good when it comes to motivational speeches but, at least, she could stop crying now. When she thinks everything is just too much to handle, she often takes a shower because she could pretend that it weren’t tears but merely the hot water that is streaming down her face. Crowley is also aware that denying emotions gives them the power to own a person but she doesn’t really care about that. Not anymore. 

She also can’t escape the feeling that there’s more behind Gabriel’s order to end their relationship. Why had it been them? She had this thought a hundred times since her Fall and knows exactly that they haven’t broken any rules during their relationship. So, why did _they_ had to break up? They aren’t the most powerful; Aziraphale and she aren’t even archangels, and Crowley has never heard that Heaven doesn’t allow angels to be together before. Well, she asks the question so often because she knows the answer. Her relationship with Aziraphale must have been a _danger_ for Heaven or Gabriel himself. And for the first time during the last months, she feels a spark of determination to find out Gabriel’s motives. She won’t let this stupid idiot destroy her whole life. _She won’t let this happen._

So, Crowley turns out the water, puts on a dark bathrobe and can barely stop herself from gasping when she opens the door of her bathroom. Hastur sits on her green sofa and is leafing through one of her books, obviously bored. 

"Man, I’ve never seen that a demon owns so many plants," he murmurs and doesn’t even look at her. 

Crowley closes the door with a loud bang and looks at him with a neutral facial expression. She won’t let him play with her emotions again. 

"What the hell are you doing here, Hastur? Didn’t I make myself clear in the…"

"You said I shouldn’t touch you," he interrupts her while closing the book. "I didn’t know you mean your… book collection too."

Crowley looks at him with narrow eyes and recognizes that he has a close look to her again. 

"Did your eyes always looked like this? They suit a demon, indeed, but they aren’t really… _angelic_." 

She turns away from him, grabs a towel to dry her long, curly hair and thinks about if he could ever use this information against her. If she gives him some unimportant facts about herself, maybe he would stop bothering her with more questions. 

"Yeah," she answers. "Nobody was actually wondering about them… a few angels even liked them." Aziraphale always loved her eyes. 

"Mmh… that’s interesting," Hastur says and Crowley could feel how he’s starring at her back. 

"Did _she_ liked them? The angel who _can’t even remember?"_

Crowley immediately stops and feeling how her heart beats way faster now. He… he heard what she said earlier about Aziraphale. She’s just so relieved that she didn’t say her angels name.

"How dare you to…" she begins. 

"I bet she was the reason why you Fell. Love makes you blind, love makes you weak and love is going to kill you one day if you’re not careful. I thought you’re smarter than letting someone steal your heart and let them even keep it, especially when it comes to a worthless angel scum."

That’s it. Losing control, Crowley turns around and grabs Hastur by the collar. 

"Shut the fuck up! _Shut up_! I’ll not let you speak about her like that! What do you even know about love, _demon_?! Love makes you strong and she will always be that one special person in my life that I just can’t let go! She’s…"

Crowley stops herself immediately; she definitely crossed a line. An angel and a demon having a relationship… she don’t know if anything else would break more rules than that. Knowing that she said too much, she let go of his collar and sinks to the floor. 

"I knew it," Hastur says with a grin, still sitting on the sofa above her. "But you seem to forget that _you_ are a demon too and demons aren’t supposed to love, my dear. Didn’t thought you’re a lesbian though… but my offer still stands. A little bit of fun is always helpful to forget. Let me make you forget, darling."

Crowley slaps him right into the face and she is more than satisfied as she recognizes that it has left a red spot on his cheek. For a small moment, she sees a spark of anger in his dark eyes but it lasts less than a second. 

"You’re gonna move your fucking ass right out of…" she starts but he interrupts her again. 

"Before you continue that annoying screaming again, let me tell you that I came because Hell has another job for us."

"Another one? But we… we just finished one", she stammers. Spending more time with Hastur is the last thing she wants to do right now. What the hell is she supposed to do if he becomes more obtrusive? She has absolutely no idea how far demons would go to get what they want. 

"Yeah, but this one seems to be an important one. Corrupting a politician or something like that. Even Heaven will send someone down to ensure that we wouldn’t finish this job."

_Heaven? Things get even better this night_ , Crowley thinks annoyed. 

"And put on something nice, we’ll be on a soiree." 

After that, he leaves her alone and Crowley can’t escape the feeling that this job is going to include more problems than she can handle. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crowley stands alone, holding a glass of champagne in her left hand, and can’t help but feeling uncomfortable. All these humans around her… they seem just so happy. And she is just a broken wreck that doesn’t even remember what it’s like to not feel broken and lonely. 

"Are you having fun, my dear?"

Crowley ignores him intentionally and takes another sip of her champagne. She chose a long, black dress for this evening which is supposed to hide as much as possible. Being near around this demon makes her just feel unsafe and vulnerable. 

"Well, this… soiree is boring as hell. What do you think of me looking for this politician and you find out if Heaven sends an angel that is going to make trouble?" he suggests. 

"Yeah, why not," Crowley answers. "I would prefer anything than talking to you right know."

Without waiting for his answer, she walks away and tries to find that angel Hastur was talking about. She only hopes that she doesn’t know this angel or they’re remembering her. Crowley’s search takes way less than she thought and when she finally finds the angel, she thinks her heart would stop beating. Shocked, Crowley lets her champagne fall down as she recognizes who is standing a few steps away from her: it is _Aziraphale_. 

** TBC **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and please review. :)


	5. Dark Hope

It is _Aziraphale_ ; Crowley recognizes her completely without doubt. The angel stands just a few steps away from her and is talking to some of the other guests. Her blonde hair is pinned up and she’s wearing a cream-coloured dress Crowley remembers very well. The way she’s smiling and talking to the other people makes the redhead painfully aware of the fact that Aziraphale is living her own life. She’s happy and doesn’t even know that something was taken away from her - because she lost all memories of their relationship. She _can’t_ know that something is missing. 

Suddenly, Crowley has to deal with one of the worst feelings in the world: knowing that someone you love, someone you used to talk everyday, doesn’t care about you anymore. Because of her fall, she became a complete stranger to her angel. 

A foolish part of her is saying that she could just step forward and starts a conversation with her. They have already fallen in love once, so why they couldn’t do it again. Crowley could also try to convince her that they have met before, that they were in a relationship and she just chose to Fall to protect Aziraphale. But the demon isn‘t that she would believe her; she would probably think that Crowley is totally crazy and is only trying to tempt her. Because that is what she is now: a demon. A creature that isn’t supposed to love and only wants to see how the others are suffering. And still, Crowley wants nothing more than holding her angel, hugging her, touching her and kissing her. Even though she knows that this is not possible. Not anymore.

_I hate myself that I’m still hoping_ , she thinks painfully. _I feel like I am waiting for something that is never going to happen. I can’t be a part of her life anymore._

Except of speaking to her angel, her other instinct is to run or to miracle herself in her apartment. She can’t risk that Hastur notices how she’s looking at the angel - he would add one and one together and would recognize that Aziraphale is the angel she talked about in the morning. Moreover, Crowley knows that she can’t tell the angel the truth, but it feels like another failure to leave her behind a second time. In Heaven, she promised Aziraphale that she would never leave her and would do anything to protect her. She just hates facing it, as painful as it is, but she broke a part of that promise. She had walked away. Crowley had walked away from her life as an angel and she‘d walked away from life with Aziraphale and she’s paying the price for her abandonment everyday. 

Drying her eyes, she allows herself one more moment to look at the one she loves the most, before she turns away, resisting the urge to walk straight to Aziraphale. 

She definitely needs more alcohol right now… _extraordinary_ amounts of alcohol. It might helps her to forget, maybe she can’t even remember that she has seen Aziraphale after she’s completely drunk. 

"Hey!"

Crowley’s heart stops for a moment. It is Aziraphale‘s voice that she hears behind her - the angel has seen her before she stepped away. The redhead slowly turns around and forces herself to not let her emotions clouding her mind; she could find no language to describe them anyway. Right now, she has to be what she has chosen to be: a demon. A cold-hearted demon that knows nothing but darkness and cruelty. Crowley has to wear a _mask_. 

"You’re a demon," Aziraphale says, a strange surprise in her voice. 

Crowley blinks at her a few times, but doesn’t have to strength to hold her gaze. "Of course I’m a demon… what else am I gonna be, an aardvark?" Her words come out harsh and rude and Crowley recognizes with horror and dismay that it wasn’t even that hard to play a proper demon. After everything she has been through the last months, how can it be anything else?

The question makes the angel squirm and she answers a little bit embarrassed. "I‘m sorry, but I’ve never seen a demon that looks so… pretty."

Stunned, Crowley is merely capable of looking at her. Is the angel _flirting_ with her?

"Thank you," the demon forces out through gritted teeth. She is absolute sure that Aziraphale can’t remember her at all, but it seems that she’s kind of attracted to her. Crowley can’t escape the feeling that they could start a relationship again but…

_No, you can’t do this_ , _you foolish demon_ , she curses herself. _You can’t put her in danger because you let your heart and your emotions overpower your mind_.

Suddenly, Aziraphale starts laughing at her seemingly gratitude and takes a step closer. "Please, don’t hurt yourself, my dear," the blonde says. 

Crowley‘s eyes soften as she recognizes that her angel hasn’t changed at all. 

"You’re here for the politician as well, eh?"

"Yes," the demon replies. "But I don’t like this job at all. It always remembers me where I should be instead." Just saying this this aloud makes Crowley’s heart ache. She didn’t even want to say it.

Aziraphale narrows her eyes and it seems like she tries to choose her words carefully. "Is it… is it really that bad? I mean being a demon and… being a member of Hell?" the angels stammers and is staring at the demon. _Thinking_. 

Something hard creeps into Crowley’s voice, sharpening her words. "Well… maybe things are different _where_ you are from." She knows it is. It’s absolutely impossible to compare Heaven to Hell. Memories of her life as an angel, her life with Aziraphale, flash quickly, and Crowley fights to keep her face straight, to keep from breaking down completely in front of the angel.

Aziraphale’s words seem to die away and the redhead recognizes how she’s staring at her. 

"I‘m so sorry, my dear," she angel says. "It was a stupid question."

Crowley can’t stand to see her angel like this. "No, I’m sorry, angel. I didn’t want to sound that mean. I‘m sorry," she says again. 

"I think I’ve never seen a demon apologizing before. Oh, my name is Azirpahle, by the way. What’s yours?" the angel asks, smiling at the redhead. 

"Crowley."

"Crowley… I like that name. Well, I think we will see each other again pretty soon. Heaven is going to send me more often down here." 

The demon can’t stop herself from feeling a spark of happiness by hearing that… the _first_ one since she chose to Fall. 

"Well, I have to go now," Aziraphale says. "See you next time!"

_No, please don’t leave me alone. I need you, angel. Please_ , Crowley thinks painfully. But she merely replies: "See you next time… angel."

She feels how tears begin to fill her eyes as her angel walks away to talk to the other guests again. Now, she definitely needs alcohol. So, Crowley grabs a glass of champagne, empties it a moment later and grabs another one. After the eighth, she stops counting and wants nothing more than to cry all the pain out in an empty room. Feeling a bit dizzy, she puts the glass back on the table, walks away from the mass of people and miracles herself into a dark and empty room. Crowley realizes that she drank a bit too much alcohol as she sinks down on the floor. 

"I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel," she murmurs to herself. The demon waits for the tears to stream down her face, but her eyes are staying almost dry. "Am I even _too_ sad to cry now?! Am I so _fucking_ broken that I can’t even cry anymore to feel a bit of relief?!" And suddenly, Crowley recognizes that being forgotten by someone you would never forget hurts so much more than being lonely. It feels just like… drowning and seeing her angel today made her painfully aware of that fact. 

" _Damn it_!" she curses as she hits he wall with her fist. 

"Man, I wouldn’t have thought that you are that broken inside to start a conversation with yourself."

Quickly, Crowley looks up and sees how Hastur is entering the room, locking the door behind him.

** TBC **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter probably deals with dark content.


	6. Sauntering Vaguely Downwards

"Hastur? What the hell are you doing here?" Crowley asks him, fighting back the spark of something close to fear that shoots through her.

The other demon ignores her question and steps closer while saying: "I knew it was only a matter of time until you would break down and end up on the floor. You’re still not capable of getting over your past, but it’s definitely an advantage for me because whatever broke you, it is the reason that you became so helpless and vulnerable… a _weaponless_ prey."

Shocked, Crowley recognizes that this demon is totally insane. She tries to stand up as quick as possible and realizes how dizzy she actually feels as she walks to the door. 

"I will not listen to this nonsense anymore" she murmers and tries to reach the doorknob. 

Hastur smirks while grabbing her wrist, stopping Crowley from leaving the room. Nervously, she tries to ignore the rising fear inside of her and quickly regaining her composure.

"Get your fucking hands off of me. Just leave me alone, for _somebody’s_ sake," the redhead says coldly, her voice is trembling at this point though. Hastur‘s smirk only grows as he keeps on grabbing her wrist, forces her to stay in this room.

"Why should I do this, missing out all of the fun? No, I won’t do that, my dear," the demon answers.

Crowley is determinate to back away only to have her other wrist grabbed as well. She desperately tries to shout in protest as Hastur slams her against a wall, forcing his lips on hers in a painful and hard kiss. She feels how tears begin to form in her eyes, realizing that she was never kissed by anyone else than Aziraphale. Crowley has to get away from him. She has to _fight_ back. But as Hastur pins her against the wall, she feels that she drank way too much alcohol, feeling completely weak and dizzy as her body fills with numbing terror. Crowley tries to push her body against Hastur‘s chest in protest, but that only seems to encourage the demon further, already ripping at her black dress. 

He grabs the redhead by the arm and throws her on the floor again, chuckling as she tries to stand up but fails. _What the fuck? Why isn’t anything getting better?_ , she thinks. _Nothing is getting better; it’s only getting worse! What the fuck did I do to deserve this?_

"You know," Hastur begins, "lying on a floor suits you. You’re so drunk and weak that you don’t even have the strength to stand up anymore, _Crawly_. Pathetic."

She tries to get away but then Hastur was on top of her, pinning her arms above her. 

"No! No, let go of me! _Let me go_!" Crowley screams and is trembling with fear. She feels so exposed as the other demon drags his gaze down Crowley’s body, his free hand is reaching up to grab one of her breasts. _No, this can’t happen! I need it to stop; I need_ everything _to stop!_

Crowley sobs and desperately tries to kick Hastur away, but the demon above her wasn’t having any of it. He slaps her across the face, hard and painful. 

"It seems like you still don’t understand. You’re a demon now and that means you _belong_ to Hell. You’ll have to deal with more of that for the rest of your life," Hastur whispers close to Crowley’s ears. "And I can assure you that I’ll find out the true reason why you Fell as well."

_This… this can’t be true! I want to go back! I want to go back to Heaven and Aziraphale_! Crowley burst into tears as Hastur‘s hand moves slowly downwards, stopping at the hem of her black dress.

"Oh, come on. I‘m sure you even want this, eh? Even if you’re still acting like an angel, you probably are a fucking slut. Tell me, my dear… have you ever been with a man before? Was your angelic girlfriend even capable of making you scream?"

Crowley turns her face away, tears still running down her face. 

Hastur slaps her again, screaming at her with an angry voice: "Answer me, you bitch!"

"No, I never… please, don’t do this," she says while sobbing. 

Hastur smirks down at her, his hand trails up Crowley’s leg, causing her to try to close her legs and breaking her wrists free from his grip, but Hastur still helds her where she is and forcing her legs open.

"Please, please stop it," Crowley tries to beg, her voice trembling with terror as the demon‘shand moves higher, higher, too high until it rested on top of her underwear.

"I‘m gonna make you beg for more," Hastur says with a dark chuckle. Crowley shakes her head wildly and starts to sob, her body is shaking and she wants nothing more than to stop it. 

"I’ll make you feel better, don’t worry, darling. Just lay there and take it like the good little demon slut you are."

Crowley squeezes her eyes shut and her whole body tenses as Hastur forces two fingers inside of her without any signs of a warning. She screams and tries to get away from him, but the demon is only encouraged by that. His fingers are moving deeper inside and Crowley believes she has to throw up as she hears him moaning. 

She has to stop this immediately. _Aziraphale_. Aziraphale wouldn‘t want her to give up. Crowley’s heart has been burned and broken, but somehow it still works. _I have endured, I have been broken in so many ways and I have lost the love of my life and myself. But I‘m still breathing and I will never forget the harsh lessons in my life. I have to let them make me stronger._

Aziraphale would say the exact same. She would tell her _'You are a fighter. Look at everything you have overcome. Don’t give up now, my love'_ and encouraging her to stay strong. And her angel told her that she would be more often on earth now - Crowley would have the chance to see her again, to talk to her again. She will never stop fighting; she has to prove that motherfucker of a demon that he is wrong. 

And so, Crowley decides to do what she was way to scared of to try the last months: she will use that fire inside of her. Even though it’s hard to concentrate on one single thought in this situation, she uses all of her strength to inflame this power and so, she just… _lets go_. 

Crowley hears Hastur‘s angry and surprised scream and recognizes with relief that he gets off of her, crawling away to escape her flames. 

She knows that her fire wouldn’t kill him, but it gives her enough time to take a deep breath and forcing her last strength to miracle herself in her apartment. The last thing she sees is that Hastur’s arms and chest are burned and that he tries to grab her before she could miracle herself away. 

She falls down and her dark green sofa and recognizes that she was capable of getting away from him. She is safe. Suddenly, Crowley recognizes that she’s still trembling and can’t stop her tears from falling down on the floor. There is a small ringing in her ears that turns mercilessly into a roar. Crowley feels nothing than a too-familiar wave of numbness, a lack of emotions that feels just like drowning in her own head. She doesn’t know why something like that happened to her. She doesn’t know. It would be so nice to be with Aziraphale right now - the only person who knows everything about her. It would be really, really nice. Crowley still can’t stop her tears and with each one that drops on the floor, that flickering flame inside of her is dying a little bit more. And goes out. 

_ Is it even possible to fall deeper and deeper when you are already in Hell? _

** TBC **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve never written something like this before, so… yeah. Also, I feel so sorry for Crowley in this chapter. ><


End file.
